March 28,2019

I am sorry

I am sorry for being miserable 

I am sorry for being dramatic 

I am sorry for fearing rejection 

I have been rejected so many times in my life 

Given this feeling 

This sense of worthlessness 

I was never taught that I was good enough 

I was taught that I have to be good enough 

For others 

The way people look at you 

Is the determinant on how worthy you are 

So don’t you dare cry 

Don’t you dare show them weakness 

I have lived most of my life 

Being afraid to cry 

Being afraid to open my mouth 

Because if i say the wrong thing 

My words will get spat back at me

Pain	Peace
Sensitivity	Empathy

I know adversity is good for me 

I know it should motivate me 

But lately I feel tired 

I feel like I am draining myself 

I know the world isn’t against me 

It is my own self that is against me 

The world has so much to offer 

But I don’t go near it 

In fear of rejection 

In fear that once again, 

I am abandoned. 

But I let the world in. 

I gave the world my heart. 

And now I can’t stop crying. 

Because I feel everything

Every emotion is overwhelming 

Overpowering 

Leaving this after taste in my mouth 

Like coffee 

I feel the after effects of the caffeine 

My body starts feeling jittery 

Anxious 

Then 

CRASH

Breathe breathe breathe 

You hold life 

You hold soul 

I should not be sorry for who I am 

I should be sorry for the people who 

Claim to understand 

Who I am 

So no 

I am not sorry 

March 19, 2019

I need to alleviate this feeling 

In desperate need of internal healing 

I trip 

But I don’t fall 

Learn how to crawl 

Then learn how to walk 

Outlining my body on the pavement 

With chalk 

Asphalt engagement 

Body splattered on the floor 

In a form that is familiar 

I see a door 

A red one 

Do I go through it knowing the danger that comes when I do 

This wasn’t as fun 

As I thought 

I touch the door handle 

jiggle it 

Locked 

FUCK FUCK FUCK 

The pain isn’t gone. 

It’s elevated 

I’m a helpless faun 

Being chased by a lion 

But I’m also the lion 

I’m crying 

For both

Because I am both the lion and the faun 

Metaphorically I am 

Because I’m already

 gone  

March 13, 2019

Trying to fight my internal oppression by alleviating the depression

 I start suppressing my negative thoughts about myself. 

Such a taboo to talk about my mental health. 

I’m scared of myself because I don’t understand myself. 

Who am I. 

 I do not know but I do know that 

I feel better when I am high. 

Who I am. 

Can be told after I smoke a gram. 

There’s a high demand to demand who I am.

 I can’t stand who I am. 

I don’t know who I am. 

I hurt myself. I am my own worst critic.

 And nobody wants to hear it. 

Retreat. Back into the hole in your brain that you put yourself in when you feel bad about yourself. 

You feel safe. 

You are far from safe. 

Get out of your hole. Get out. Already. 

You’re stuck in a rotting tree. Infested with termites and mold. You’ll get sick if you stay in there. You’ll die if you stay in there. 

Everything around you is growing 

You should be growing too 

You are growing 

you will grow either way

Do not be discouraged if someone is growing faster than you, your petals just take longer to bloom 

Ya Presence is a Present

I love blogging. There really is no right way for one to write a blog, as long as it entices the people reading it. But honestly, I don't even know why I'm stressing over why this entices you or not. I feel like there is a lot of pressure. Everywhere.

My parents and I had a conversation about the "20's, 40's, and 60's". These ages are significant because I'd say these are the core ages in our lives where I guess, things are suppose to happen. So, I guess that's what I've decided to write about today, to entice you.

 20's is where we're suppose to go to college for some years, gain knowledge and a degree.We attempt to find who we are, by trying to be multiple things we think we should be. This is the age where we can wear so many masks and actually make people believe that, is who we are. This is the core age group that is prone to getting lost. Confused ass kids who are going through that weird transition from teen to adult. The glorious thing about being 20 (or in your 20's) is that, it's okay being lost. It's totally fine not really knowing who we are right now. That's why you should utilize this time to feed into your passions, and make connections. 

Unfortunately, this is also the age where it can make you or break you. Follow your gut. Nobody is going to wait up on you, if you want to make a change in your life, you have to do it now. You may feel pressured from peers and family and that's normal, but it's truly up to you if you want to use that as fuel to either motivate you or not. That's your 20's right there, pretty broad but it really is, isn't it? I'm 20 and most times I'll get so worked up on the thought that I have no idea what I'm doing. That what I'm doing right now will not matter. But I have to force myself to understand that my final form takes time. Patience is truly a virtue. I might not like who I am right now, or where I think my life is going but I have to trust the process. Trusting the process is accepting the present. 

40's is where we should be in the middle of our careers, house of our own, kids of our own, opposed to worrying about others think, we're supposed to be worried about how to put food on the table and utilities. lol. 

60's is where we have retired from our careers, in the same home we raised our kids in, now empty because said kids now have their own kids. And you're left with yourself. 

I didn't have much to say about the 40's and 60's categories because well, I'm neither of those ages yet, so who am I to say anything about it. Other than looking forward to becoming those ages, I guess. The point I'm trying to make is that we are so caught up in our future that we tend to forget about the present. Being 20 there is so much pressure on me on who I should become in the future. Well, I don't now that version of me. All I know is the version of me that is me, right now. Present me. I think it's so important to be present. To take in who you are today. Because change is inevitable, we have to take things as they come and with that, remembering who we are at the same time. I rather compare myself to another version of me than comparing myself to anybody else. If that makes sense. Learning to be okay with the person you are today only allows you to furthermore grow into the person you strive to become. Be present. In conversations, in your work, in your breathing. Realize that your presence is a present.

-Thanks for the Read

I Am

You. How do I make this post interesting to, you? Essentially, I was going write about what's been on my mind for the past couple weeks. Something uplifting, something that would possibly touch you. To write to the public means to keep people like you, entertained.  But with the help of self doubt, and anxiety I've decided not to. So, fair warning: there will be a lot of I's, and very little you's. This is not for you, this is for me.

1. I am a procrastinator.
My father told me that he too was a procrastinator when attending college, and continues to procrastinate till this day. Now, there's a difference between a true procrastinator and what my father calls, an "incubator procrastinator." A incubator procrastinator is a person who collects all the data and resources needed to execute, and waits until the last minute to do so. The final product usually turns out fairly well. Only because they've prepped themselves to succeed. A true procrastinator is someone who does not prep themselves for the final product. Someone who doesn't feel the need to do anything. Unmotivated. Lazy. I am the second one.

2. I am a poor communicator.
I feel like this is self explanatory, but what the heck. I truly am the worst when it comes to proper communication. It's difficult for me to keep up with text messages, calls, etc. Even more so, when it really matters. When communicating verbally, I get nervous very easily and I forget words. Seriously, I will start a sentence and eventually not finish it because I don't know remember the word I was going to use.That just ends up with me immediately shutting myself up and leaving the premises.
 Who knew putting words together in a constructive sentence would be so damn difficult at 20 years old.

3.  I am too passive.
Whenever I think of passive tendencies I always revert back to my psychology class in high school. The way my teacher explained the differences between passive, assertive, and aggressive behaviors was via parenting styles. For example, the passive aggressive parent is the parent that doesn't really care about what the child does. There is no reprimanding, no structure, the parent essentially isn't there when it comes to the child misbehaving. Now, to compare that to myself. I am not a parent, but I am just as passive as the passive parent that I explained. When it comes to certain situations that pertain to me getting the short end of the stick I tend to not care. Or I guess, act like I don't care. Either way, the people that wrong me, are my children, and I am the passive parent. I don't reprimand them or tell them what I find is wrong, or makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't do anything to change the situation, whether it be positive or negative. To be quite frank, when a situation arises I shrug, turn my head the other direction, and leave it be.

4. I am lazy.
I am way too lazy to write about the things that are "wrong" with me.

I really just wrote this to remind myself that, yes, you can better yourself. I will no longer be a procrastinator. I will no longer be a poor communicator. I will no longer be passive. I will no longer be lazy. I feel as though if I post this on my blog, I will have formally declared that I will strive to be a better me. To lower myself from others expectations of me. I will no longer let others opinions about me, dictate how I want to live my life. I want to look back on this, as a self reflection.
I made these points about myself quite vague only to have you guys be like, "Ah shit, that's definitely me too". There's something amazing about, people coming together. It's even more amazing when we realize that we are all the same. We all have to realize that we are all shitty people. We are human, it's in our DNA.
I think that's what keeps me grounded. I am apart of a planet that carries 7.53 billion shitty people. That's a lot of people, trying to become a better version of themselves. My problems are so minuscule compared to all of the worlds problems. I have to stop thinking the world is going to stop rotating if I fuck up. You should too. (So, I guess this really was for you. lol. Have a good day).


-Thanks For the Read

You Have an Ostrich Brain!!!

 Hello Friendships! Ready for this long overdue blog entry? I know I am! So sit back in your comfy couch, make yourself a cup of tea, and maybe read this till the end?
Did you know an Ostrich's eye is the same size as it's brain? Their brains are so small and are so under developed compared to a human brain that, if you raise your hand in front of an ostrich it will think your hand is your head. But really who needs common sense when you can lay ostrich eggs that can weigh up to five pounds? (Don't answer that question...or actually answer it if you want I don't control your life). Did you also know that mortality rates jumps between our early and late adolescence? Crime rates and alcohol abuse are actually highest among young people compared to any other age.
 You're wondering..."why did you just make me read that irrelevant information about Ostriches and remind me why society frowns upon teens most of the time?" Well because I feel like right now all of us, if you're nineteen and under, have ostrich brains. Sorry if I offended any of you, but it's true. Teenagers have very small brains! We are so quick to make our decisions that we don't even think about the future consequences that can happen because of the decisions we make. We live in so much of the now that we tend to abuse the fact that we have so much of our lives ahead of us.
I know all ages can be accused of this but teens seem to be more so the victims. "Young people at this age are close to a lifelong peak of physical health, strength, and mental capacity, and yet, for some, this can be a hazardous age." Unfortunately we "Young people" lack development in the frontal lobe of our brains. So don't blame others for your terrible decision making, blame your brain! Your brain isn't fully developed until your early twenties. When you reach this point in your life you have learnt from past mistakes and are still learning, but just handling it in a more sensible manner. Or maybe you're at this point in your life right now! Maybe you're ahead of the game and you have grown out of your ostrich brain.
In any case whether you have an ostrich brain or grew out of it, you have been in a point in your life where you couldn't tell the difference between your head and hand. What I mean is that you probably have made some decisions that you weren't so proud of because you didn't use your head. And by making that decision your sensory neurons start to kicking and your body just follows with the not so cool decision. But you learn from those mistakes and your ostrich brain starts to become...not...an...ostrich...brain?
So don't worry. Have no shame because you have an ostrich brain! Embrace it! This is the time to make mistakes. You're going to make some terrible decisions in your life, it's inevitable. It's up to you to take those mistakes and make it into wicked life lessons for those little hoodlums that live across from you; So they don't have to make the same mistakes you did.

Peace and Hair grease,
-Someone who has an ostrich brain just like you

As for me and my house we will serve the Lord

Happy Monday, friends.
It's Mondays like this that make me really exhausted, lazy, and overall fed up with everything that's going on around me. But this month is very exciting, as is the next month, and the next month after that. But why? Well you probably won't care, but hey just for fun keep on reading because this might be an exciting story about the power of prayer and THE GRACE OF GOD. (Who doesn't like those stories?)
A little background info, my family and I have not lived in a house for over seven years due to divorce and other personal reasons. Since then we've been living in apartments and town houses. And my little sister and I have been fine with it, of course at that age we tended to complain, but we were young! As we grew older and our family began to grow (another baby sister, and a puppy) we became accustomed to living in such small conditions and our complaints began to seize. Now that our family was bigger and certainly not fit for just two bedrooms, a living room, a bathroom, and fairly small kitchen, we began to discuss about the buying of a house. And as much as we talked about it, it seemed as though we could buy a house, easy as pie! But it seemed everytime we were sure of buying a house, we never really did. This lasted about two years and my excitement for a house started to die down. I sort of made the conclusion that we wouldn't move any time soon, which made me quite somber but I put that aside and just thanked God for giving  my family a roof over our heads. My parents would say, "Don't worry. God is going to bless us, he knows what he's doing."

Two years flew by and it was the beginning of 2014, a new year. New years resolutions were being shared and I over heard my mom talking about a goal she had made for herself to buy a house for us. And having hopes so high before I blew it off and didn't get too excitied about the statement she had said. Well to just sum it all up January was full of: complaining about the neighbours, complaining about the landlords, and complaining about the whole apartment building itself. (Most of the complaining was from Laney and I). I'm pretty sure my parents were getting sick of our complaining so they told us to replace our complaining with prayers. So every night before we went to bed our family prayed (like usual, the "Our Father" in case you were wondering) and we would pray for a house. So that's what we did every night, and for me during the day as well. Then during mid January sort of near the end we began looking for houses and one house in particular caught our eyes and it seemed like love at first sight. Long story short, we didn't get that house and our hopes for a new house began to die once again.
Then on February fifth, just five days from today my parents decided to show us one last house before we headed out to youth group. We had talked about this house but they gave us really vague answers when we asked them about it. So while driving our parents told us to put our hats down over our eyes so we couldn't see. I was sort of excitied but something in me told me to calm down and not get my hopes up. When they finally stopped they told us to get out of the car. We stepped out and they led us towards the front door and placed us both in the "corners" of the house. They told us to take off the blind folds and I opened my eyes to a very empty and very beautiful home. Perfect for a couple with three girls and a dog (and possibly even more if God wants to surprise us). As we were looking around we all sort of stopped in the bottom of the stairs, all silent, and just looking at eachother. When my dad said, "So I guess this is our house now." and we all sort of smiled and laughed, and I knew we all were thanking God at the same time. We'll be moving on the Third of March and we are all very very exctited and we can't stop thanking God.
God has done so much for our family and this is just one example on how his timing is so perfect. It shows how awesome he really is, and that even if we feel like giving up we should never stop praying. We shouldn't stop praying because we feel like it's not going to work. We shouldn't stop praying because God has answered your prayer and you feel like "oh well he answered it, my job is done." Prayer should not feel like a chore. It should not be used only when you need something. Prayer is to ask for God's guidance and to thank him for everything he has done for you (good and bad). So yes! That is all for now, I hope it wasn't too much to read. I hope this made you smile and or your heart smile.


~Emmy